And through the fire…

There is pain. The scars linger for months, even years. And most of all, it makes us afraid. Fear overtakes, anger explodes, bitterness develops. So why the fire?

Wildfires are actually a natural occurance in certain areas of the world. I once learned that there are plants that actually thrive after a wildfire. There are other plants that are dependent on fires to melt the seed structures so that the seeds can be freed and distributed by the wind. With the emergence of civilization, humans tried to eliminate wildfires and as a result, many plant species decreased in number and eventually went extinct. Meanwhile, a high amount of carbon built up in those areas and without the fires to clean them off, the carbon keeps accumulating until lightning strikes a tree and sparks fly and before anyone realizes it, a superfire is spreading across the continent.

So we need fires. We need them to burn off our sin; we need them to burn off our pride. And we need the fire of suffering to burn off our shallowness. Only then, can we have compassion, patience, forgiveness, and understanding. Only then, can we be free to grow and produce fruit.

So then, we know He’ll walk with us through every furnace. We know that He does not waste an experience, whether in weakness, strength, victory, or suffering. We can cherish and rejoice in our sufferings because they are blessings. Is this where I can finally heal?

Trust

It’s funny how phone calls with family can put a damper on an otherwise happy day. I’m not sure when my mother got this way, but when I started job hunting back in October of 2007, she felt the need to take the burden upon herself. It’s admirable that she wanted to help me, but it wasn’t necessary. True, I didn’t get my dream job offer until the day of graduation, but I would like to believe that God’s timing was perfect.

Two years have passed and she seems to have learned to let go. Until last week, when she began insisting that I have a backup plan in an area of my life that only God can provide. I tried to tell her that I don’t need a plan B but she would not relent. My mother was a Christian for many years and was baptized during my sophomore year of college. It apalls me how little she trusts the Lord. When I point this out to her, she argues that I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a mother. She’s right, I’m not, but  I pray that when I am, I’ll have a lot more faith in God because all that worrying does not add a single day to anyone’s life.

So then I begin to examine my own life. Yes, in that particular area, I have surrendered completely to Him. But in other areas, I am holding back and I do have Plan B’s for that “just in case.” But this is not how we are called to live. It’s one thing to be prepared but we needn’t go to extremes with worry and fear. Jesus didn’t have a Plan B in case they ran out of crosses. Abraham didn’t have a Plan B when God told him to sacrifice Issac. Although…before Isaac was born, his wife, Sarah, did have a Plan B in case God didn’t come through with an heir for them. She told Abraham to sleep with her maid Haggar so they could at least have a son that way. But then Isaac came along and Abraham had to make special provisions for Haggar and her son so they won’t be in Isaac’s way.

See how unnecessary and troublesome Plan B’s can be! When God says that He is going to deliver, we should have faith even when common sense tells us not to. In my case, I have even more reason to trust Him. I just pray that my mother would eventually see this truth.

When in doubt, wait

It’s easy to take action, especially when we feel dissatisfied with people, circumstances, etc. But it is far easier to clean up a situation when somebody waited a little longer than they should have, versus someone who took action when they shouldn’t have.

I live in such a fast-paced city and I see it all around me. But as believers, waiting is inevitable. We just have to remember that we serve an awesome God who is in control of every single thing on this earth and beyond and His timing is perfect. He had orchestrated things perfectly for me in the past and He will continue to do so in the future. In that same way, I have no need to take matters into my own hands, rush out, and make a twenty-first century version of the Israelites’ golden calf. Resting and waiting boldly with quiet confidence is an important and necessary skill. Of course, all this may be easy to accept, but what do I do when some well-meaning person wants to make a golden calf for me? For now, I’ll politely decline but refrain from grinding it into bits, putting it into water, and drinking it….

Discouraged and restored…

I was battling a major sense of discouragement when I realized my new small group was shrinking. Granted, this was no one’s fault in particular. Many changes and transitions are taking place and perhaps it is I who fears change. I went in this evening not intending to share my latest testimony, a story I had kept to myself for seven months. But after all I had learned from the weekend, I realized that it was time. Turned out to be the right choice. The masks came off and we all openly shared parts of our lives that are hindering our faith. Suddenly, my doubts and insecurities seemed so minicule. Small group is about pursuing God in a community, and being leader is about being there for each member and guiding the group for the work of God. My group may be shrinking at the moment, but He placed me here for a reason and I believe He’ll provide.

It’s October now

and everything’s changed. For starters, teen dramas like One Tree Hill no longer hold much amusement for me. They never really did but when there’s nothing else to watch…

I attended the SHAPE workshop yesterday and had to take the DISC personality test again. I remember taking it three years ago for my summer internship and assumed that I would score pretty the same. I was a bit surprised to see that I’ve changed. Although, I’m still pre-dominately Cautious and Contemplative, I’ve become more Steady and Secure. I’m still very much task-oriented, but in my new positions of ministry, I need to learn to be more people-oriented. So those personality blends, it’s actually quite difficult it is to live out a biblical lifestyle is an unbiblical world. Going with the flow and doing the popular thing is always easier. Now wonder Daniel had to pray three times a day! But I do take comfort in the fact that if God calls me to do something, He will provide.

Finding my way

I don’t remember the last time I was this happy without the influence of chocolate. In many ways, this weekend was both a beginning and an end.

The theme of this year’s Frontline Fall Retreat was High School. Not that I particularly disliked high school; in fact, I think I was quite content with my experiences. Yet looking back, I realized that I was self-concious, insecure, and continuously struggled with self-deprecation and pride. When graduation finally rolled around, I could not wait to leave. Perhaps it was my classmates, teachers, academics, arts, or athletics. Or perhaps it was just me. And when I walked away from high school six years ago, I thought that all those experiences, both and bad, were finally done and over with. I should have known that everything we bury always have a way of rising back up again…

It wasn’t until I arrived on site and saw the other greeters dressed in school uniforms did the memories come flashing back. I had unfinished business with high school that I didn’t want to admit, even to myself. The teen years were a very interesting time. So many things were changing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I didn’t have the boldness or confidence to live the way I wanted to. But with His grace, by junior year, I had a great group of friends, did well in my advanced placement classes, and was involved in many extracurriculars. But was I happy?

I know the mistakes I made back then and this weekend, I was given a chance. A chance to try again. A chance to live boldly and confidently, not for myself but for Him. And for that reason, I was excited and I cheered.

I don’t regret the things I did in high school but if given the chance, I would probably do a few things differently. I wouldn’t care so much about what my peers thought. I wouldn’t worry so much about academics. And most importantly, I would keep Him at the center of my life.

I learned two important lessons this weekend. First, everything in my life is a gift from Him. That means everything from my career to the grocery coupon left outside of my door. I needn’t spend time lamenting or complaining about anything because He oversees everything. That being said, I have no reason to fear or doubt and so my second lesson is to simply live with boldness for Him.

Now, if only Frontline will do a College-themed retreat…